I'm not going to say I'm over you, and I'm not going to say I can get over you. Only time will tell that much. But I will say this:

I'm done trying to get you back. I'm done trying to figure out what you want. Because I know exactly what you want. You want what you can't have. You only want me when it's not possible to be with me, and I'm done with that. You can regret leaving me, you can claim you still love me but I know the truth. You never loved me...you just loved the challenge that my parents gave you. It gave you something to hide behind. It gave you an excuse to make mistakes, it let you place the blame on me...but once that was gone you had nothing. You had no guts. And I'm through with it. I shouldn't have to sit around and slowly kill myself to try and forget you. I shouldn't need to avoid sobriety. I can admit...I smoked weed. I popped pills. I drank when I shouldn't have. All to try and forget you. But you know what. Fuck that! Fuck you! I don't need you to be happy. I don't need your acceptance and your approval.

I can also admit that you hurt me worse than anyone ever has, but how I reacted and the way it affected me was all my fault. I can take credit and blame where it was due. Because I will not let you have that power over me. I'm taking back control of my life, my happiness, my well being, and my power. You no longer control me or my emotions. I refuse to let you.

I want to work on myself. I want to learn how to trust people again. I don't want to be a train wreck full of baggage. I may not have the closure I need, and want. But I don't think you can handle that. I think you 'forget' about it because you don't want me to move on. Because secretly you need me to love you, and you know if I get this closure I will be able to move on. But I can live and be happy without closure. It is possible for me not have that closure I thought I so needed. I would welcome it, but you can't handle it. And I can accept that. So I'm going to do what I can, and I am going to move my life forward and start as fresh as I can.

Here's to maybe not a fresh start, but at least a new book.

I think some people weren't meant to be happy. I think maybe happiness is just a result of stupidity and a lack of life experiences. I think once you've truly been hurt a few times you'll never be the same. I think it changes you and shapes you. I think I think. I think too much. I think some people will always be miserable. I think I will always be miserable because I don't like myself. I feel like I'm falling apart. Like I've lost myself somehow, but I don't like who I lost so it doesn't really matter. I just feel kind of hopeless. I feel like my life isn't going to go anywhere, that I'm stuck in this rut I can't get out of. I need someone to save me because I don't know how to do this on my own. i take everything too far these days. I party too hard, I don't care at all, I may not even graduate, I'm on the verge of getting kicked out of school, I'm getting kicked out of my house, I'm losing all the people I care about. I've got no sense of direction and no where to go. I'm a disappointment to myself and my family. My parents aren't the only people who have given up on me but my friends have too. I'm insecure. I make terrible decisions. I follow my heart when I shouldn't but I listen to my head too much too. I'm addicted to touch, I need it to survive. If I don't have someone to hold me I can't be happy, I'm just miserable. I can't even sleep without my face buried against something. I can't sleep without a blanket squeezing me so tight that I can imagine it's arms. But even then it's not enough and sleep is tough. I don't think I'll ever be happy. I don't think I'll ever be able to open myself up to another guy. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be loyal to another guy. I'll continually just jump into bed with anyone who is willing...even if I'd rather not. It won't change. I'm a lost cause.